[blib and bob are sitting at a table, facing each other, although blob's nose is buried in a book with a red cover. blib has brown hair, blob blonde. behind blob is a window, from which rain is seen and heard. the room has a fake, painted on door with an exit sign above it.]

blib: Just reading a book are you?
blob: Yeah.

[pause]

blib: [referring to the window] Damn rain.

[no response]

blib: Are you cold?

[no response]

blib: Can i ask you a question?
blob: You just did.
blib: [thinks] Can i ask you two questions?
blob: [thinks] Again, you just did.

[pause]

blib: Can i please ask you something, you know what i mean.
blob: [looking up at him] If you must!
blib: Will you answer?
blob: [looking down again] I am, now.

[pause]

blib: What's wrong with you today?
blob: Is that what you wanted to ask?
blib: It must be as i did, didn't i?
blob: Only after a fashion. What makes you ask?

[pause]

blib: Sorry.
blob: Don't apologise.
blib: But i'm sorry.
blob: This was once a free country, and in that spirit i would invite you to be sorry, but please be it in silence. It becomes increasingly difficult to remain angry with you when you act this way. Someone telling you they are sorry just makes you more annoyed.
blib: In what 'way' do i act?
blob: [putting down his book] Like This! In this way. This!
blib: How would you have me act?
blob: Act as though, you are talking to a poet, of a philosopher and not a damned telephone clairvoyant. Right now you're acting like a spoilt toddler.
blib: [with mock bravado] I am not sure how i feel about you talking to me like that.
blob: Well how do you usually feel about it?
blib: Like a small rock. Like a pebble.
blob: Well then, so shall you be like. A rock. A pebble.

[pause, blob picks up his book and tries to read again]

blib: Goodness! There's a coin here on the floor. Can you see?
blob: [unenthused] How marvelous for you.

[blib tosses the coin]

blib: Heads. Isn't it good luck? To find a coin?
blob: There's a phrase.

[blib tosses the coin]

blib: Heads. What does that phrase say, about finding a coin being lucky?
blob: That you were lucky to have done so.

[blib tosses the coin]

blib: Heads. What should i do with it?
blob: It is a lucky coin, donate it to the cause.

[blib tosses the coin]

blib: Heads. So i donate the coin, then what happens?
blob: It all goes to feeding the homeless, purchasing weapons, funding the war against... didn't you see this morning's video?

[blib tosses the coin, absent mindedly - he's not listening to blob]

blib: Heads.
blob: On second thoughts, maybe you should give it to me.
blib: I'd rather give it to the needy.
blob: [puts books down] Well, you have yourself a dilemma there. There are only two charities with any shred of legitimacy remaining.
blib: Remind me.
blob: There's the Lyon's Gate Welfare Concern, to whom people used to mail their unwanted bodily excretions, or The Christian Homeless Aid, founded by Saint Francis Tongue who died of syphilis and buggered every orphan ever to have knelt before him.
blib: The agony of choice. Which would you suggest?
blob: Between the Christians and the Lyons? Neither, you can't trust anyone these days.
blib: Indeed. [gasps] Do you think someone has stolen the stone?
blob: [pointing over his shoulder to the window] Only one way to find out.

[blib runs to look out the window, leaving the coin on the table, but returns reassured]

blib: I was mistaken. God, it's a big boulder too. No idea why anyone would take it. What were we talking about?
blob: Nothing, it was mindless chatter. Absolutely nothing.
blib: Why would we talk about nothing?
blob: I'm not sure anyone will ever know. But we were.

[pause. blib balances the coin under his index finger and flicks it with his other hand watching it spin god-knows where.. off the table if possible]

blib: But we wouldn't just sit and talk about nothing, it must have been about something!
blob: I assure you, it wasn't important. I would know, I was present the entire time.
blib: Oh, it must have been meaningful in some way, even if unimportant.
blob: [soft voice, as though talking to a child] If it did mean something, which it didn't, and that proved to be something which was unimportant, which it would, it would then cease being something and become nothing. Eh?
blib: I don't follow.
blob: Imagine my surprise.
blib: If someone smarter than us were here they could tell us what we were really talking about. Cut through all the subtext and what-not.
blob: Many could try, all would fail with a incredible resonance. Our words, the workings of our minds, are yet to be satisfactorily explained. They mean nothing.
blib: You don't believe it ever could mean something, even if some future, satisfactory explanation could be found?
blob: That is human nature, to explain things. Perhaps there is no explanation?
blib: Could you please explain what you are referring to?
blob: I highly doubt it.

[pause]

blib: What's that supposed to mean?
blob: Who said it meant anything?
blib: Well, i just assumed... Everything means something, even if you don't mean it to. [Laughs to himself] Without helping it you give meaning to everything.
blob: Only if everything happens for a reason, a premise of which i am yet to see proof.
blib: I've seen evidence of it.
blob: Would you please be quiet, i'm trying to read.
blib: Everything can be explained by that which came before. Perhaps rather than a "meaning" it might be thought of as a "reason". A cause even. Cause and Effect, isn't that what they say? Cause and something... i do wish i knew my parables... or whatever they are called. See if an expert on memory were here they could tell me why i can't remember these things. They would say it was linked to something psychological and it blocked my memory and that i had repressed it so i wouldn't be able to remember [chuckles]. Indeed, they would have given the meaning of my not being able to remember as the reason. And since everything has a reason, everything must have a meaning. The Christians are right when they say that everything happens for a reason. If indeed it was them who said it. Whoever they were i am sure they had good reason. As everything does happen for a reason.

[blob closes his book and smacks blib across the face with it]

blob: Now why do you suppose that happened?
blib: I should hope it was accidental.
blob: You terminal fool! There can be no accidents - that is - if everything happens for a reason. This is the problem with your reasoning.
blib: That's not exactly what i said. All accidents have a reason. I might trip in the street, the reason being that i am tired - perhaps i worked a double shift... minding the stone - my legs just gave out and [mimes tripping over from his seat] my tripping would be with cause.
blob: Please do shut up, i am getting a headache.
blib: Would it help if i spoke in a hushed tone?
blob: I should think not.
blib: [hushed tone] When do you think it should pass?
blob: The rain?
blib: Your headache.
blob: When it stops raining i imagine. It would be a sweet irony, wouldn't it?

[pause]

blib: How would the weather effect the pains of your head?
blob: In ways you can't even begin to imagine.
blib: But in particular which...
blob: Not all things have a meaning. In that way the weather has as much effect on my health as anything else, therefore any guess at when it will go away is as good as any other.
blib: Any other?
blob: Yes.
blib: What if you took an asprin...
blob: This is too difficult to explain. I am having emense trouble with it.
blib: ... it might make you feel better. And, given that pain relief is it's intended function, it would be reasonable to assume one had caused the other. That's Cause and Effect in action.
blob: I don't doubt it, but it's not meaningful.
blib: Taking an asprin has meaning if you take it to cure a headache.
blob: Consider this, and please listen close. Suppose for a minute that The Cause allocated me an asprin, what if i were to take it at a time when i didn't have a headache?
blib: Then why would you take an asprin?
blob: Why should you trip in the street? [repeats the motion of blib's trip]

[pause]

blib: That's two different things.
blob: No, they're really not.
blib: Yes, they really are. One is deliberate the other isn't.
blob: Right, but which one has meaning?
blib: I can't right now. Like you say it is most difficult to comprehend...
blob: You'll find the answers are contrary to what common sense would suggest.
blib: ... I am most confused.

[pause]

blib: I am sorry.
blob: So you keep saying.
blib: What can i do to make it up to you?
blob: Please, be, quiet.
blib: No, i won't, i want to know.
blob: You can make it up to me by being quiet! [makes a shhhhh sound]
blib: I apologise.
blob: Please don't.
blib: Alright.

[pause]

blib: Must we sit here in silence?
blob: We must watch the stone.
blib: Must we watch the stone in silence?
blob: Well it is doing a pretty good job. Such a pity that it and i could not simply mind you.
blib: Why? [confused] Is someone stealing the stone!
blob: Fat chance. [yawn]

[blib runs to the window to check again, but looks assured and disappointed. blob places his book on the table and assumes the lotus position.]

blib: [to the window] No one is stealing the stone.
blob: [closing his eyes] If no-one is stealing the stone...
blib: ... then there's no need to watch it?
blob: And if no one is stealing the stone you should consider the reason for our being here...
blib: Well, that was because...
blob: ... in silence.
blib: Sorry.

[blib turns around and see that blob is sitting a lotus position on his chair. he seems amused]

blib: What on earth are you doing?
blob: I believe it's called the Lotus position.
blib: What the hell is it?
blob: It's a yoga position designed to bring clarity to the mind, body and soul. You should try it.
blib: How?
blob: Sit as i am, close your eyes, empty your thoughts and quietly meditate.

[blob sits in his chair, attempting the lotus position and nearly falling off.]

blib: I am having trouble.
blob: [opening his eyes for the line] Don't think i haven't noticed.
blib: Why do we have to sit here like this?
blob: Perhaps your efforts would be best spent completing your duties and leaving the responsibility of discovering "Why" to those allocated the task.
blib: Perhaps. Or perhaps...

[blib thinks to himself and puts his feet up on the tabletop. stretching his legs out.]

[pause]

blob: [falls out of the lotus, impatient for blib to tell him] What?
blib: Did you ever read a story called "The Red-Headed League"?
blob: Yes, originally. That is - in Strands.
blib: My mother used to read it to my brother and i as we lay in bed.
blob: Cute.
blib: Do you think...?
blob: Do either of us have red hair?
blib: The last time i checked i didn't. For the time since then i can't be sure.
blob: Then why should you suppose anything?
blib: It does seem rather pointless. Sitting here like this i mean.
blob: Therein lies the problem. You're searching for a meaning where perhaps there is none and it has caused nothing but headaches.
blib: Yes, but for you of-course, not i.
blob: It could well be your pondering that has caused my headache.
blib: Oh, i see. If that's the case, I'm sorry for it.
blob: Not only recently did i come to understand your all too frequent regret.

[pause, blob turns back to his book]

blib: When do you think it will clear?
blob: The rain?
blib: Your headache.
blob: When the rain stops I imagine.
blib: There you go again... [pause] I wonder if this is not hell. [pause] Do you not wonder if this is hell? [pause] I said, do you not feel that this is hell? Is it not excruciating?
blob: Indeed.
blib: So this is hell?
blob: I fail to see that it would make much difference. Heaven, Hell or anywhere else.
blib: How do you mean?
blob: They are all much the same.
blib: Oh, please explain. You are saying things that are most unusual tonight.

[blob puts his book back down]

blob: Heaven is a place where things are supposedly blissfully pleasant and everybody is perfectly happy all of the time. But, can you imagine how many bodies are crammed in there by now? We're talking about tens of thousands of years. The thermodynamics are enough to raise the temperatures past the toasty flames of damnation i assure you. Have you ever been to a party where everyone is happy and sings and knows all the words to the songs?
blib: [nodding with a big grin] No.
blob: Me either
blib: What's hell like then?
blob: Hell is much the same, but with barbeque ribs and beer.
blib: Seriously?
blob: Hell is eternal punishment, supposedly. People are breaking rocks to fuel the fire and brimstone and blah blah blah. The cold hand of time has shown that people can adapt to accommodate the most unbelievable circumstances, which means over a long enough timeline hell would become ordinary and boring.
blib: Is not this ordinary and boring?
blob: It is.
blib: Are we not minding a large rock that could possibly be broken and used to fire the fire and brimstone and...
blob: I suppose we are.
blib: Then i am right.
blob: Possibly.
blib: I am right about something at last! How should i act?
blob: What do you mean?
blib: Should i be proud, humble, boastful?
blob: How would you usually act?
blib: I'm not sure.
blob: Then you should act unsurely.
blib: I'm sure i can do that.
blob: Beautiful. Catch-22.
blib: This is referred to as Catch-22?
blob: [regretting it] Oh God. Forget i ever said anything.
blib: You can't help but comment can you? I wonder why that is?
blob: Can't you simply let it pass? I'd rather not leap onto the analyst's couch this afternoon if it's all the same to you, if indeed it is afternoon.

[pause]

blib: Hey, I think perhaps the rain is letting up.
blob: How can you tell?
blib: I don't know. Perhaps our talking is clearing the weather. Is your headache any better?
blob: No, sadly not. Of-course should you ask repeatedly eventually the answer would be different. That is, assuming that your asking is not causing it. Which, of-course, it may well be.
blib: Oh come on, am i really that bad?
blob: [Angrily] Right now?
blib: Shall i be quiet?
blob: I would thank you if you would.
blib: There would be no need.
blob: Fine, then i won't. But please do be quiet.
blib: I'm sorry.
blob: Don't be sorry.
blib: I'll be quiet.
blob: I'll be pleased.

[pause, blob makes a determined effort to get back into his book]

blib: You seem annoyed is all.
blob: Well, it seems that no matter how many times you apologise i say that i wish you not to do so, and yet time and time again so you do.
blib: Look I'm sorry, it's just my nature.
blob: Nature, nature. Your nature comes not into it. Who you are and what you do encompasses your nature. You cannot blame your nature and escuse yourself as you attempted to. Can you not learn new patterns? Are you incapable of creating learning patterns for yourself?
blib: Yes. Yes of-course. I see pretty patterns in the clouds sometimes.
blob: So it's not entirely beyond you.
blib: That was when there were still clouds. Or perhaps there were never clouds. Do you remember there being clouds at all?
blob: No.
blib: Then what are you talking about?
blob: If you do something once you will notice a response, or a reaction. A result, plainly put. If you do it again and a similar thing happens then you create for yourself an expectation...
blib: Ah yes, it's much as i would expect.
blob: ... an expectation that should you do it again the same result will occur. This is how we... how most of us... learn.
blib: How exciting! Is there a test or something we can do?
blob: What would you have us do to test it?
blib: I'm not sure. Can't you think of anything, some kind of test.
blob: I am unsure as to the success or failure of such a test.
blib: What is the nature of your uncertainty?
blob: You'll bring with you an expectation rather than creating one genuinely.
blib: That's disappointing.

[pause, blib glances at the window]

blib: How many times have i been to the window?
blob: Two or three, i can't remember.
blib: Would it not work if i ran to the window to check the stone? I have done it twice already.
blob: What do you expect the result will be?
blib: That the stone will remain unmoved, as always.
blob: Check the window and see.

[blib tries to run to the window, he can only limp]

blib: My foot went to sleep... it must be bored.

[blib reaches the window]

blib: Oh my God.
blob: What?
blib: The stone is being rolled away...
blob: Really?
blib: Yes. Someone is taking the stone. I can't see them clearly, other than the fact that the man... My goodness, the man has an incredible head of flashing red hair. He is a big fellow too, wearing a heavy coat.
blob: But you are sure it's a man?
blib: No, i am not.
blob: How incredible. I am happy for him. Or her.
blib: Why is that?
blob: There would have been no point our minding the stone if no-one tried to steal it.
blib: What could he want with a stone anyway?
blob: Or she, besides, what did we want with it?
blib: Perhaps nothing. Should i ask if he needs any assistance?
blob: And how would you do such a thing?

[blib moves towards the fake Exit door and presses against it, exposing the fact that the play is being staged with fake scenery]

blib: Are we not supposed to have done something?
blob: What would you have us do?
blib: I don't know. Chase after him i would expect.
blob: It's raining!

[pause]

blib: You'd think he might have waited until the rain had stopped, we could have chased him.
blob: What for?
blib: I don't know. I would imagine it would be a good deal of fun.
blob: Perhaps. Gee. What a pity.

[pause, blib sits down]

blib: Can we not leave?
blob: Why should we?
blib: The guy took the stone, there's nothing left for us to guard. Can't we go now?
blob: If we weren't going to chase whoever took the stone what was the point of our being here in the first place?
blib: You are right... [missing the point] if only it wasn't raining!
blob: These things happen.
blib: And for no purpose if i am to understand you.
blob: It would be a first.
blib: Indeed. How do you feel?
blob: [sitting upright in the chair] Much better with the stone gone.
blib: Has your headache stopped?

[pause, the rain stops and bright sunshine beams through the window]

blob: [sinking into the chair again] No, absolutely not.
blib: I think it must have, the rain now appears to be letting up.
blob: [sitting up again] In that case you are correct.
blib: Glad to hear it! Perhaps feeling glad was the necessary cure.
blob: Just as likely the rain, or your talking, or nothing at all.
blib: Indeed. Sorry for all that.
blob: Oh, that's perfectly alright. It's been fun. Besides which there is little else to be done, or thought about. Best to read on and escape as best i can. [picking his book off the table] Yes?
blib: Right right. I'll just... leave you to your book.

[blob smiles. blib walks toward the Exit, then stops himself, smiles towards the audience and stands before the window. the sunlight fades - as do the house lights.]

The End

© 2004 R. W. Gordon. All rights reserved.